Working as a personal development coach for more than 15 years teaches one a lot about what works and what doesn't work to make a relationship last.
Being a partner in a relationship that spans more than 15 years provides a great vantage point for learning the difference between "long termers" and those whose relationship will burn out in less than a year. The following quick tips will hopefully provide you with some thoughtful (and possibly restless) nights.
Most individuals have experienced a friendship that has lasted for years. Whether this was a girlfriend or a guyfriend, the lessons learned from a long friendship are priceless.
If you haven't been blessed with the experience of a long lasting friendship to use as a model for your relationship with your partner....make notes.
1. Decide at the outset to look for hunches, points of shared or mutual interests, hobbies, or something similar. The point here is to be sensitive to your friction/attraction balance. If there is more attraction than friction, at least you have a reasonable starting point. Naturally, the object of this focus is to be aware of whether or not this person is comfortable to spend time with.
2. Make a commitment to yourself that you will not pursue a relationship with someone you would not want to add to your list of friends. Whether your friends are men or women is not the issue here. If the person you've begun dating is not a good match for the personality types shared by most of your long term friends, take a pass. The prognosis is not strong for this to develop into a long term relationship.
Disclaimer:) This is definitely a "logic and reason" based approach to assessing the potential for a new person in your life to become a long termer. Naturally, such attractions are not a logic and reason based decision. Love decisions are generally based on emotions.
However, if your personal relationship history is a path strewn with relationships that have broken within a 2 to 3 or so year period, it's definitely time for you to change your strategy and your focus.
Bottom line, if you and your partner are unable to build a relationship based on a foundation of friendship in the traditional sense, your chances of hitting a lottery jackpot are much stronger than the odds for you enjoying a long term relationship.
Ciao,
Doc Rich
PS For more information and tips about relationships plus an interactive question and answer section, Click here for a visit...
Showing posts with label long term relationship advise. Show all posts
Showing posts with label long term relationship advise. Show all posts
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
It Takes Two To Tangle
Relationship friction will sometimes lead to arguments and the end result can be physical interaction. Please know that once your relationship partner gets physical it's time to move out.
I'm not suggesting that you break up, however, I'm definitely suggesting that one partner, most appropriately the physically attacking partner, must leave immediately. Talking it over and listening to excuses or an apology at this point is not the way to go.
Physical aggression signals danger. When a relationship partner loses enough control over his or her emotions and impulse controls to initiate a physical attack, the time for talking is over at that moment. Separation will allow for a cool down...which must be the first priority. Stop talking immediately and separate. Call for help, even if you must lock yourself in a room to make the call.
When you think about this advice it comes at a time when you are reading the words of this message. Most likely you're at a point of calmness and cool temperament. This is the time and mindset when it's best to discuss how your relationship will handle communication and setting limits. You should set aside time each week, or at least every other week, to get together, preferably on a date, and discuss mutually agreed on rules of engagement.
Whether your relationship is younger than 90 days or older than 3 to 5 years, you, and your relationship, are well served to discuss how you'll communicate and how you'll help each other signal when you're loosing your temper.
The time will come when nearly any human being will loose control of emotions, enough to shout, curse, swear and even pound a table or wall with a fist. Such behaviors are natural, depending on several factors, including early childhood experiences.
Physical attacks definitely cross the line and cannot be tolerated. Statistics indicate such attacks will escalate nearly 98% of the time to a much more violent episode. Don't give this pattern a place to grow.
You and your relationship partner are in full control of the direction you're traveling. Design and discuss your own personal road map.
Ciao,
Doc Rich
I'm not suggesting that you break up, however, I'm definitely suggesting that one partner, most appropriately the physically attacking partner, must leave immediately. Talking it over and listening to excuses or an apology at this point is not the way to go.
Physical aggression signals danger. When a relationship partner loses enough control over his or her emotions and impulse controls to initiate a physical attack, the time for talking is over at that moment. Separation will allow for a cool down...which must be the first priority. Stop talking immediately and separate. Call for help, even if you must lock yourself in a room to make the call.
When you think about this advice it comes at a time when you are reading the words of this message. Most likely you're at a point of calmness and cool temperament. This is the time and mindset when it's best to discuss how your relationship will handle communication and setting limits. You should set aside time each week, or at least every other week, to get together, preferably on a date, and discuss mutually agreed on rules of engagement.
Whether your relationship is younger than 90 days or older than 3 to 5 years, you, and your relationship, are well served to discuss how you'll communicate and how you'll help each other signal when you're loosing your temper.
The time will come when nearly any human being will loose control of emotions, enough to shout, curse, swear and even pound a table or wall with a fist. Such behaviors are natural, depending on several factors, including early childhood experiences.
Physical attacks definitely cross the line and cannot be tolerated. Statistics indicate such attacks will escalate nearly 98% of the time to a much more violent episode. Don't give this pattern a place to grow.
You and your relationship partner are in full control of the direction you're traveling. Design and discuss your own personal road map.
Ciao,
Doc Rich
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Just When You Were About To Give Up...
So you've reached the end of your rope in this relationship. He has done the most unforgivable thing. She has absolutely done that one thing you've both talked about not doing for the very last time. It's gotten to the point of no turning back...or going forward. It's time for closure.
If you have ever been in a relationship you've probably been at this fork in the road. Some of us survived and moved on and other's made exit statements, packed up and hit the door. Let's ask a couple of questions...
When you think back to times when your behavior was, in a word, terrible, did he smooth over the issue and let it ride? On one occasion when you were plastered and scrubbed the side of the tree when you parked against the curb, did she help you out of your clothes and wipe you down and let you sleep it off without a smile or a frown...just a little genuine concern?
Whether your answers were yes or no depends on time, experience and depth of love and maturity. Most often, 98% of the time in fact, both relationship partners have a set of unreasonable expectations that are cashed in at certain points in the relationship. No judge or jury is available and impartial parties do not exist. So what's the answer/cure/solution?
More time in the seat. That's it.
You both must give yourselves and your relationship time to mature. Take it from a 30year veteran (one single marriage...it was only 10 years the first first time around), a relationship, like fine wine, tasty cheese, Thanksgiving turkey, and many other of life's rich experiences, improves with age...if you allow yourselves time. If you freeze the turkey it will have to thaw. Then the maturing part gets a chance to start. Trying shortcuts only leads to failure...as does not allowing time for maturity to season your relationship.
The price you pay is an investment in an end result that no one you know can describe. And even if they could, you wouldn't believe them.
Long term successful relationships take time. There is no magic. It's a one-day-at-a-time process. Love, sex, lots of hugs and kisses and conversations, are the oil that smooths out the bumpy places.
Relationships are wonderful after a few shared struggles and overwhelming challenges are survived. The strength that both relationship partners build when they've stuck together through hell and high water, is remarkable. It's part of the foundation that makes human beings humane.
Love hard and heavy and make a true and trusted friend of your relationship partner. A day will come when that person is the only human being between you and death. Not necessarily physical death. A much worse form of death. I call it soul death.
Ciao,
Doc Rich
If you have ever been in a relationship you've probably been at this fork in the road. Some of us survived and moved on and other's made exit statements, packed up and hit the door. Let's ask a couple of questions...
When you think back to times when your behavior was, in a word, terrible, did he smooth over the issue and let it ride? On one occasion when you were plastered and scrubbed the side of the tree when you parked against the curb, did she help you out of your clothes and wipe you down and let you sleep it off without a smile or a frown...just a little genuine concern?
Whether your answers were yes or no depends on time, experience and depth of love and maturity. Most often, 98% of the time in fact, both relationship partners have a set of unreasonable expectations that are cashed in at certain points in the relationship. No judge or jury is available and impartial parties do not exist. So what's the answer/cure/solution?
More time in the seat. That's it.
You both must give yourselves and your relationship time to mature. Take it from a 30year veteran (one single marriage...it was only 10 years the first first time around), a relationship, like fine wine, tasty cheese, Thanksgiving turkey, and many other of life's rich experiences, improves with age...if you allow yourselves time. If you freeze the turkey it will have to thaw. Then the maturing part gets a chance to start. Trying shortcuts only leads to failure...as does not allowing time for maturity to season your relationship.
The price you pay is an investment in an end result that no one you know can describe. And even if they could, you wouldn't believe them.
Long term successful relationships take time. There is no magic. It's a one-day-at-a-time process. Love, sex, lots of hugs and kisses and conversations, are the oil that smooths out the bumpy places.
Relationships are wonderful after a few shared struggles and overwhelming challenges are survived. The strength that both relationship partners build when they've stuck together through hell and high water, is remarkable. It's part of the foundation that makes human beings humane.
Love hard and heavy and make a true and trusted friend of your relationship partner. A day will come when that person is the only human being between you and death. Not necessarily physical death. A much worse form of death. I call it soul death.
Ciao,
Doc Rich
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)